One night stands. We’ve all had them. Some have truly wonderful one night stands. So amazing that they remember them forever. Others – well, they become pretty memorable for not so great reasons. Most of us have been there. Perhaps a fumble in the dark lead to disaster, or you got so drunk you had sloppy, saliva-y sex and you couldn’t remember their name in the morning. I spoke to four guys who have been unfortunate enough to have some pretty disastrous one night stands. And let’s just say, it’s enough to put us off dating apps and drunken sex forever (okay, maybe not forever – but at least for a little while). I first spoke with a man named Dale, who says his worst ever one night stand was when his date left him a pile of toenail clippings after sex. He tells Wonder Idea‘It was my first ever one night stand. I’d moved to Brighton for uni and I was in halls. Me and my girlfriend of three years broke up just before I moved.
‘I had sex with a girl in the second year of the course I was starting. It was the freshers ball where you dress up in a suit and tie and I went out to a club called Prysm. ‘I was just out with my flatmates and I literally just started talking to a girl in the queue. I wasn’t “on the pull” or anything but we just clicked and ended up leaving Prysm together, going to some other clubs and getting really drunk and then going back to her uni house. ‘I wasn’t in halls so hadn’t yet experienced how gross uni houses were with the pizza boxes and cans everywhere, but I didn’t really care because I was about to get laid. ‘It happened, it was really drunk and sloppy, and then I reach my arm under the pillow and rest my head on it and feel all these toenail clippings in my hand. ‘I had to fling them backhanded into the wall behind my head so they’d fall down the back and acted like nothing happened. ‘I have no idea if she knew what happened, but I went to the toilet to “get some water” (soap) and then went back to bed and we had a cuddle. Who doesn’t love a cuddle, right?’ Glen, 36, says his worst one night stand happened several months after a traumatic breakup and divorce from his 18-year marriage. Having been with his ex since he was 18, he didn’t really know what the modern dating world was like, so threw himself into the world of apps. With dating apps came one night stands.
He said: ‘Most of these were a lot of fun and I had no regrets about them; they were a way of reclaiming my sexuality and helped rebuild my self-esteem. ‘Then Cassie happened. ‘We matched on Tinder after I drunkenly swiped right on someone wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a tight superhero top. We flirted, and within the first three messages she asked if I “wanted to dance”. I had no other plans and wasn’t looking forward to spending my first single birthday week alone, so I said yes. ‘Fast forward a few days to the day after my birthday and Cassie turns up on my doorstep with a bunch of sunflowers “as a birthday present”. That would normally be a very nice thing to do, but I quickly realised that in this case they were merely there to distract me from her face. ‘She resembled her profile photo roughly, but in the same way my four year old’s paintings resemble Van Gogh’s later works. ‘I was feeling a bit down and needed a pick-me-up, so before I knew what had happened we had drunk a few drinks and headed to my room. ‘She kissed as if she had learnt it from the Alien films, trying to put her tongue so far into my mouth that I almost gagged. And after we were both out of our clothes I noticed that she had shaved her arms. ‘No, not her armpits. Her arms. All of them. Turns out forearms covered in stubble isn’t exactly sexy. Who knew?!’
Glen continued: ‘I followed through with the deed as I didn’t really know what else to do. However, it was the first time I’d caught my reflection in a mirror and seriously asked myself “what are you doing?!” ‘Afterwards we chatted a little before she left; I never saw nor heard from her again. ‘Well, actually I did see her profile picture come up on Facebook, only this time under a different name (which I assume was her real name rather than her Tinder identity). ‘Part of me was tempted to contact her and tell her to review her privacy settings, but that part was quickly and ruthlessly shouted down by every other part of me which remembered that stubbly touch and alien kiss.’ Tom’s worst one night stand occurred after he passed out during a sexual encounter. Tom had gone back to a girl’s flat after a night out, and passed out while actually having sex. He fell off the bed, crawled to the bathroom, threw up everywhere and then passed out again on the floor. Oh, and he was completely naked. He told Metro.co.uk: ‘She then took a Snapchat of me, naked on the floor. I only found out about this when her (new) boyfriend confronted me about it a few months later. ‘I blanked, sort of momentarily froze. They started going out after the one night stand, but I didn’t know that and was utterly thrown.’
Finally, I spoke to Laim, who’s had two rather rocky one night stands. First was a Tinder hookup with a girl who worked in IT. ‘Everything went really well and she ended up staying the night,’ he said. But he next morning she was quick to sneak out. Laim said: ‘I had a text on my phone saying: “Why are there pictures of you and other girls on your phone and all over your walls?” ‘These girls happened to be my friends or family at bars, gigs or just out and about – nothing too sexual. ‘I thought to myself, glad she ditched because that could’ve been a rollercoaster, went to turn my laptop on and turns out she was really into IT – my hard drive had been wiped and my WiFi password was changed – lovely.’ Laim says another time, he went out for drinks and got ‘ridiculously wasted’ – however he managed to get taken home by a ‘rather attractive girl’. He said: ‘Morning after she decides to soothe my hangover with a blow job, but beforehand said “Last night you said you didn’t hook up with many girls, hope you remember my name!” after laughing awkwardly, trying to frantically remember her name, I see a frame next to her bed with the name ‘Michelle’ on it. ‘Turns out Michelle wasn’t her name, it was her recently deceased mother. ‘I didn’t get my blow job.’